We are a family!

We are not your typical family...but none the less we ARE a family.

Our lives revolve around keeping some sense of normalcy even when we things around us get out of control. Organization and schedules consume the way we do things but without these it would be total chaos.

We teach our children life skills and have them participate in things that other children do despite their disabilities. I have learned that all our children CAN and WILL and WANT to do what we all do even if they can't do it perfectly. I find myself adapting and breaking things down in to little steps so that my kids can feel worthwhile and have success. Success in anything brings self confidence and I'm happy to say that most of our children have self confidence in most things.

We occasionally get the finger points...the stares...the negative comments...or people who will shun and walk away from us, but mostly we are greeted with smiles and references to having beautiful children. You see...there are a few things that I do NOT adapt or accept and that's being disrespectful/impolite/andpoor behavior. I never excuse rudeness...or use the phrase, "he/she can't help it." Sure, our children all came from experiences that have made them view things differently and will often react to things in a way that's less than desireable. I understand that...and acknowledge it, but I do NOT excuse it. Harsh? Perhaps...but if you allow an abused child to feel as if they are excused for such behavior without ever expecting more from them...or they expecting more for themself...it becomes too easy for them to stay the victim and never get beyond.

My children all have things they do around the house and all particpate in making this a family. They are all expected to keep their rooms neat (just as any other child would.) They are expected to clean their own place setting, putting dishes in the sink or dishwasher. They assist in recycling jobs, setting the table for our family meals and caring for their own personal possessions. It takes them a bit longer to catch on...and often we do things repeatedly for months and months before they are finally able to do it on their own, but the bottom line is they do it. They gain a sense of worth and unity for helping. What one of my children can't do...the other helps with and visa versa. For instance...Gracie can buckle her own seat belt, but Priscilla can't (due to her vision and poor fine motor skills) so Gracie helps her sister. Priscilla helps Gracie by ensuring her safety while walking to school. Even though Priscilla doesn't see well and uses a cane...she is FAR safer and has a good sense of safety around driveways and cross streets and will hold Gracie back from just walking out in front of vehicles. Lindsay has the poorest sense of safety and somehow...Armani knows this and although he is the youngest...he's more aware and will look out for his older sister. There is a sense loyalty and love with my kids that goes beyond culture difference/disabilities or age.

I love taking my kids out for outings. We often go out to eat at restaruants. We are quite a crew to walk through and get many stares. We all hold our heads high and smile politely. Some of my children will actually reach out to someone who they may hear making a comment and give them a hug or say "hi." They don't know or understand that often these people are not being kind, but I can assure you that after they do this...those same people smile in awe of my kids. They each know how to order from a menu (even if it's to point at pictures) and I encourage them to do this so they develop skills they can use later. They ALWAYS thank the waitress for bringing their plate of food and many MANY times before we leave, someone has come up to us to inform us that our children are well behaved and well mannered. We've had those who will request to sit somewhere different for fear of being "too close" to us as if we have something contageous...or fear that our kids will be loud and unruly. I understand their apprehension because truly we do not LOOK like your normal family. However...once they see everyone sitting politely with hands in their laps...or us talking to them most will turn away and go about their own business. I guess at that point, we aren't interesting enough...(giggling.)

Going to a grocery store is often fun. I bring the kids and partner them up and give them their own list of things to find. It's fun...but also a learning experience. They learn to match pictures with items...find things or remember where to find things...AND they shop for the family and help me out. Rarely is anything done without the kids getting something out of it.

So...we may not be your typical family...but WE ARE A FAMILY. We have values and morals and we all help each other.

Gracie's Story

Graciela's Story

I think of all our children Gracie's story has the least amount of twists and turns. We first met Graciela in April of 2007. We'd seen her picture on the Adoption RI web site and she just looked SO scared. I think I must have read her profile a hundred times, trying to read between the lines. If I've learned on thing from an adoption process is that no one is as they seem in a profile. If a child is said to be "charming" what they are really trying to say is this child "lies." If they say the child needs to be the "youngest in the household" it usually means that child has been severely neglected, abused and needs to develop some healthy bonding with adults. Gracie's outline didn't say much, other than throughout her challenges she still managed to find something each day to smile about. Wow...looking back I think that is about the most accurate thing I've read to date. She had many health issues related to her bowels and physical development. She was a failure to thrive infant (most likely due to the mother being unavailable during cancer treatments.) She has low muscle tone and has dysmorphic features of her face, feet and hands. Gracie went into the care of the State of RI after her biological mother passed on. Her birth mother died from cancer when Gracie was around 4. She and her brother, Christian remained with the birth father but soon it became apparent, that he could not take adequate care of the children. His grief and dependency on psychiatric drugs and mental instability made it unsafe for the children to remain in his care. He voluntarily relinquished his parental rights and the children were placed into the custody of the State of RI.

Graciela was around 6 or 7 when she went into care. She was fortunate enough to be sent to a home where she remained for the next 4 years. She was placed with a retired nurse by the name of Donna Deroisers. Donna was not married and had another child whom she adopted from the State of RI who was intensely needy. In the 4 years Gracie was in the home, she continued to say that she would care for Gracie for as long as necessary but was not interested in adoption.

We'd seen Gracie's picture several times on the Adoption RI web site. We were familiar with her because we had also met her during the time we were in RI for adoption of our other daughter "C. " Gracie was a tiny little gal with a big heart and smile. She had a head of soft curls and inquisitive eyes, but I never heard her talk. We became very interested in her after seeing her at "C's" adoption. This little girl was there with the same Social Worker who had placed "C" in our home. I honestly can't say what drew me to her...perhaps it was her smile...perhaps it was the look in her eyes...but I just knew we had to see if there was some way she could come to us. I contacted the Social Worker who was VERY excited about our interest. She volunteered to bring Gracie up for a visit to see us.

This first visit went pretty well. Graciela was wild though and it seemed that her hands were into EVERYTHING. She soiled herself a couple times during her visit and when the Social Worker and I went to change her she SCREAMED bloody murder. I was astounded that such a little thing could make SO much noise. I also wondered why she was so terrified to get cleaned up. She screamed "No Momma...No!" Of course my thoughts were...was the "no momma" meant for ME...her foster mother...or her birth mother? Had she been abused and not just neglected? Lots of thoughts.

Gracie came for another visit with our family and this time she spent the night. It was a LONG night. Gracie was just as wild during this visit. She would not listen to my husband AT ALL and would flop all over the sofa, screech and run through the house and fall down. I thought for sure she was going to hurt herself...or break something. It was like watching a penned up animal, although she seemed truly happy and not upset. During her 24 hours with us, she soiled herself constantly and each time we went to the bathroom for a shower and clean up, she screamed, cried, and acted like I was killing her. If I tried to soothe her it just made it worse. She had gotten up in the night at some point and stripped off her disposable diaper which was covered again in feces and was SOAKED, and crawled back into bed naked. When I went to get her up in the AM...she was a sight to behold. She had also taken the sheets and blankets off her bed and had wet and soiled all over. I had wanted to scream...but instead...I pointed to the shower and she went in...screaming all the way. No one had told me ANYTHING about stripping, soiling, or eating her diapers. No one told me a thing about her lack of sleeping. When I took her back to meet her Social Worker the next day, she cried. It was so pathetic, but I will be honest to say that I could not wait for her to leave. I was exhausted. We waited a couple days and then told the Social Worker that we just weren't sure if we could be her family. We felt horrible, but we had to be honest with ourselves. How would this gal impact on the family as a whole...and would we be up for this? The Social Worker was very disappointed but said she understood.

We continued our search at that point for other children. Now that we had the adoption bug...it was like we knew we wanted another child...but who? Dennis and I talked about it a lot but in the end we reached the same conclusion...we wanted Gracie. But the bigger question was, were we right for her? Reluctantly we called the Social Worker again and asked if we could give it another try. She naturally asked what had changed to make us decide this was what we wanted to do. The answer was not so straight forward. I told her that nothing had really changed, but we needed more time to decide if we felt we could offer Gracie what she needed. We knew we had to be able to accept her JUST as she was, knowing that she may NEVER change...and we had to be sure we were up for a life time of commitment. The Social Worker agreed, but stated that she felt we needed to move much slower this time. We were in PERFECT agreement.

Graciela made several more visits to the house and each time she seemed more and more settled. She quickly picked up on the house rules so to speak and it was becoming easier for all of us. We made the commitment to Gracie and told the Social Worker that we were ready to proceed and wanted to adopt her. This didn't come to a surprise to anyone because each time when we took Graciela back to meet the Social Worker they knew she didn't want to leave us. She cried from VT all the way to RI and kept saying, "Momma?" "I go?" "No Donna" (she called her foster mother by her first name.) We were all planning an October move date (just after her 11th birthday) when a monkey wrench got tossed our way. It seemed that all of a sudden Donna Deroisers the foster mother had stated SHE now wanted to adopt Graciela. Even though we had been approved and had a transition plan almost completed with a move date in sight, the brakes were quickly put on. The State always sides with continuancy in a placement and since Graciela had not yet moved, it seems that the foster mother would get the option first if she wanted to keep Gracie. We were upset and angry. Afterall...she's had 4 years to decide and not ONCE had made mention of wanting to do this...why now? We waited and waited for meetings to happen which didn't...and for vacations to be had and FINALLY late mid December we were told that the foster mother had withdrawn her request and therefore a move would take place. We were ESTATIC!!!! Graciela came to the house just after Christmas and on January 9th, she joined our family. She legally became our daughter on July 17th, 2008.

The first year was a learning year. We got her health under control and soon learned that most of her "health issues" were not really issues at all. We realized that she was given SO many laxatives that it was impossible for her to hold back. Once we cleared up that bowel issues...we began on toilet training. Everyone told me I was nuts to try...after all...she was 11 and who trains an 11 year old with MR to use the toilet. Well...we did have success! It took about 9 months but we had a lot of success and few accidents (at least for the day time.) She still wet at night and we had to be creative in our night time routine and dress attire. One of the things we learned is that Gracie had Pica issues. This mean that she ate things that were not considered edible. Bits of paper, toilet, tissue, and other small objects that she could easily put in her mouth without being noticed. We had been told that she would become so impacted with stool that she would get distended and vomit, but in reality...what was causing the vomiting was her ingestion of inedible items. Her diapers were the biggest issue. She required them at night, but she would tear them up and then eat bits of it or stuff pieces of it in places like her ears. We had to be creative with night time attire. One piece footed PJ's have become the PJ's of choice. I adapt them for comfort but put them on backwards and pin the zipper so she can't get them off.

Graciela is a real joy to have. Despite her somewhat trying behaviors, she brings so much happiness to our family. She loves to smile! Her vocabulary has grown immensely since being with us. There are days when it hardly seems possible that she has severe MR. She only speaks in 2-3 word sentences but she can almost ALWAYS get her point across. She is incredibly smart and is a sponge taking in things by watching and listening and repeating at a later time.

Gracie is entering the 8th grade this coming school year. She had a visit with her biological brother recently and this was a lot of fun for all of us. Gracie is on an IEP and attends a mainstreamed classroom however due to behavioral issues and limited attention span she is often pulled out for more individualized work with her 1:1 aide. She doesn't really use school for learning. It's more of a big social playground for her. She HAS made some incredible friends over the last few years who help and assist her. She loves being with her peers and being like all the other girls.

Where Graciela is...there is always sunshine!

Still in my heart, but no longer mine.

This is the story of a child who was ours for little while. She will not be named for privacy purposes, but I will just call her "C." I would appreciate understanding when reading this to know that the things that happened were not any fault of hers and that sometimes we just can't be the person we want to be. I still believe that for every child there is a family, however I also believe that not every family is for every child. I pray that this girl finds peace and happiness within and that someday she will realize that what we did, was out of love and not because we gave up.

Some time before Armani joined our family and after his adoption we began searching online for another child to adopt. By now the two older girls had settled in well and we felt we could offer another child an opportunity for a family. Prior to our call on Armani, I had received a call from an adoption worker in RI on a young lady in RI. Apparently at a Northeast seminar Social Workers gathered to present children whom they were having trouble placing. A worker from our local agency felt we would be a match for this young lady and in turn her worker called us. She had physcial disabilities and was stated to have CP and PTSD due to trauma experienced with the birth family and borderline intellegence, but very articulate with a sunshine personality. We talked for a long time but at that time I just wasn't sure if we could pursue it. I was caring for two disabled clients in my home on a full time basis and physcially I wasn't sure I was up to the challenge of a third. I let it drop...we got the call on Armani and this was forgotten...for a while.

During the year and a half that passed, a lot happened. We adopted Armani and one of my ladies passed away (health issues.) We began to look again for a child to adopt and I remembered the young lady we had discussed a year or so ago. I began to do a search to see if she were still out there and low and behold, she was! I was SO excited. I sent the worker off a message to see if this girl was still available and within seconds I got a return mail saying "Yes." A couple weeks went bye. We met with the Social Worker and the placement worker. I asked many questions relating to her health, emotional being and personality. I also spoke with her therapist who had spent the last 4 years while she was in care, preparing her for adoption. Everyone felt she was ready to finally have a place to call home.

Our family went to RI to meet this young lady. She was definitely engaging, polite, and had a smile that would light up the world! She was sort of demanding in her need for attention and she and my oldest daughter (whom we thought would get along) actually clashed. Their personalities were pretty similar, but they were far from being alike. Lindsay was quite jealous of her and in turn this girls need for attention (both physically due to her disabilities) and her ability to talk and take attention away from others was a stressor. However, we still felt that this was something that we could overcome.

They brought the young lady up to see us and within a short period of time (I think a total of 2 months from the time of our call) she was moving in with us. Things were moving fast and looking back I now know I should have put the brakes on. I just felt that the push forward was due to the child being so excited to come home to us...that I overlooked warning signs that something was not right.

Our girl came home to us in August of 2007 and by November we had finalized her adoption. Those 3 months flew by and all the while we kept in close contact with the placement worker. A few weeks after she moved in we noticed a huge change in emotional stability. I called the worker who in turn sent up the therapist she had been seeing in RI. The meeting between the therapist and this young lady was private but in the end we were told that she was just experiencing "normal" feelings of apprehension. They said it was nothing to be concerned about and that she wanted to be adopted. They then told her of an extravogant ceremony planned for her adoption day which fed right into this young lady's desire to be center of attention. This pacified her for awhile. The excitement of being adopted...the cameras and news coverage from local television...were all part of a bigger plan to convince this girl that adoption was what she wanted.

Adoption finalization occurred November 18th, 2007. Things went "okay." When the judge asked this young lady (who was 13 now) if this was what she wanted...she burst into tears with a high pitched siren wail. All went quiet with the exception of this, and the judge said, "I will take this as a yes" and moved that we were now the parents of this child. We had a wonderful ceremony after and all seemed "okay" but still I just felt something was off and I couldn't put my finger on it. I brushed it aside thinking it was just my excitement/nerves from the emotional day.

Not more than 3 months after the adoption was finalized, our daughter seemed to go into a deep depression. She talked about feeling abandoned by her foster family who had not wanted to adopt her, yet adopted an infant while she lived with them. She spoke of her birth family often and she told us that her foster family would never let her speak about them. Being who we are...we encouraged her to talk. I spent many MANY nights in her room talking about her life, her family, her feelings, however it did seem the more we talked, the worse she became. We noticed that her behavior declined and she became snappy and rude. Worried we pulled her aside and asked her what was bothering her. She told us that she did not want to be with us. She had made a big mistake in agreeing to being adopted and she didn't want it. I was crushed but also expected that this would happen. After all the hype and excitement that was given to her, she now was just part of a family, without people coming and going...therapists to talk to...and outsiders to listen to her. It was just us and her need for attention and drama were great. She LOVED controversy. I spent a lot of time talking to the foster mother whom she had lived before and discovered many untold things about her. We learned she was quite a manipulator and would constantly do little things to aggrevate the other children in the home. She also accused her foster family of neglect on medical issues and stated things to people in order to get sympathy....like that her foster mother didn't provide her with clothing so the school nurses would send her home with bags of clothing.

Two months after the adoption we saw such a change that we decided to seek help from our adoption agency. They offered post adoption services and we wanted to tap into those to ensure that we could all get back on track. Our daughter had made a steady decline since her adoption and we were very concerned for her. She was not taking care of herself as she had done and would often refuse to take care of her own personaly hygiene. She had the ability but refused. We were told to simply let her her go and not to do it for her. It was hard for me to do this, but I tried. Soon she was refusing to support herself with transfers and would buckle her knees sending us to the floor in a heap. My daugher was about 30 lbs heavier than me, and eventually I needed to get my husband to help assist me in getting her to and from the toilet safely. She LOVED the extra attention and really seemed to enjoy the fact that she had both of us there, while the other children were unattended. Soon she was misbehaving at school with her peers. She was called to the office numerous times and was caught striking out at one of our other daughters. She began falsely accusing others of stealing from her (including the school nurses) and both personal hygiene, emotional stability declined rapidly. Upon seeking the post adoption services the worker who came made a HUGE mistake of telling our daughter that she would help her in locating her birth family. If it all went well..."down the road" she would talk about possibly meeting with them with a counselor. What this worker did not understand was that our daughter didn't understand what all that meant. "Down the road" to her could mean next week. "Meeting" to her meant reunification. We went from a bad situation to much much worse. We sought help of many more professionals during the next two years. Our daughter spent time in a Mental Health facility for teens where she picked up on even more maladaptive behaviors. She was seen by many MANY therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals. She had temporary stays in the hospitals mental health ward. It seemed that the only thing that stayed consistent was her desire to be back with her birth family. She admitted that by us adopting her, she saw that as a step backwards and she wanted to go back into care in hopes that her birth family would take her back. When she was at these facilities she claimed to want to be home, yet when she was home...she fought us. She began refusing to allow us to put her to bed and would spend all night in her wheelchair. She would wet herself after refusing to let us toilet her, or would intentionally throw herself off the toilet or out of her wheelchair and refuse to let us pick her up. I can't tell you how many times she refused to allow me to toilet her and she would wet herself and then strip to lay in a puddle on the floor. My heart ached and I wanted to find a way to reach her. She flipped dressers and used her wheelchair as a wrecking ball until we finally had to disengage the chair so that she could not move. She would soil herself and paint the walls. We were told to use safety straps to keep her in her chair. She spent hours on the phone with emergency mental health clinicians. All of this we were able to endure (although it was increasing difficult when we had other children that also needed us.) We tried getting staff to help in the home but she ran them all off with her behaviors and she was becoming increasingly aggressive towards everyone. She slapped at the other kids and threatened to kill them. She told me one day that she was going to kill Armani in his sleep by slitting his throat. We weren't incredibly concerned by this because he was in a bedroom upstairs, but my other daughter who's room was downstairs became so fearful she too spiked with behaviors and began sleeping on the floor of our bedroom. The other kids did not want to be near her because they were afraid. Meal times were the worst and the other kids would not eat and spend all their time watching to be sure that she did not come at them with her utencils. She was cunning and would act nice until we would get close enough and then strike us. She smacked me so hard one day it gave me a bloody nose and instead of feeling bad...she laughed. I took her hand and told her in a tight and forced neutral tone, "I don't hit you, you DON'T hit me. Hitting is NEVER okay" and I walked out and broke down. She had told her therapist that when Mother's Day came, she was going to make it a "day from hell." I could not understand the vindictiveness of her. What had I done? We began taking everything away that she could possibly hurt herself. She used paper cups, plastic wear, no shoe laces in her shoes, ties in shirts, we turned her dressers backwards or removed them from the room. Our dreams of a content family lifestyle was soon replaced with thoughts of keeping all the kids safe and keeping some sense of nomalcy in our home. We had people at house throughtout the day checking in and this in turn upset the other children who felt that they were going to be removed from the home. Even writing this all down...doesn't help me understand how we could have avoided some of the things that happened. It seemed the more help we sought..the more fingers were being pointed back at us for doing something wrong. We did everything everyone asked us to do however everyone had a different thought or opinion as to what to do. It was hard to tell others that we were not the cause...but part of the solution because our daughter was such a master manipulator (not words of ours...but professionals who evaluated her) that she convinced others quite easily that we were problem.

We tried for two years seeking help and professionals. We were told to reliquish our parental rights so that our daughter could receive intense therapy that she needed but we couldn't get for her while in our custody. We refused to do this right away. We knew that the things she did was not because of us, but we were just the easiest target, however, what message were we sending to our other kids? Weren't their rights and choices important too? We were tired. We were emotionally and physically drained. Where did we go from here? We decided to try one more time. We placed our daughter in an Easter Seals facility. She was to go there for a few months and then return to us. Things were going well. We felt it was a good placement for her and we kept in contact. She seemed happy for a time and spoke of wanting to come home. We however were quite reluctant and did not buy into her demands to return home. She came home for Christmas and had a hard time leaving (again...it was the drama she created and it didn't feel like real emotions.) She was to return to us permanently on January 2nd and her therapist was bringing her to the house directly from school. We had done a lot of talking prior so that she knew that our expectations for her behavior had not changed and she seemed on board and happy. However, the day she came home was anything but a warm welcoming.

At school, the day she was to come home, she began threatening anyone who came near her and said that she was NOT coming home and if anyone tried to make her she would smack them. Up until this point...she had been saying she wanted to come home. Her therapist told us of the happenings as she had been called to the school to support her. We were told that she was just fearful and that she would be "okay." We volunteered to come to the school to talk to her but we were told no. She became so aggressive they called the police who was on duty at the school to escort her to the office (something she greatly enjoyed due to the drama and attention she got.) From there through physical restraint they got her loaded into the van and brought her home. We had asked if they would just reconsider her coming back that day...and perhaps wait another week. We were told that she could not go back to Easter Seals unless we terminated our rights. (There it was again...another push for us to do this.) Why couldn't they just take a step back? Why couldn't they given her another week to adjust to the idiea? Why did they seem to fight us when we so desperately wanted her to come home and be happy? The therapist brought her home and in the driveway, she threw herself out and onto the ground. She refused to come inside and spent 4 hours on the cold ground refusing help. We went out to her several times and stood a distance away. She kept thinking we were afraid but in reality we just didn't want anyone to misunderstand any interactions. (She had falsely claimed that we had struck her before and we did not want that again.) We asked her to come inside...to get warm...and to talk to us. She refused. 7 hours went by and we finally got her up and inside but she had no intentions of staying. She was told by her therapist if she came inside we could re-evaluate what the next steps would be. Inside she flat out told us that she was NOT happy and did not want to be with us. She said she didn't hate us, but did not consider us her parents. I asked her why she hadn't said these things before...and why did she "pretend" and "use us" during the holidays and if that were to simply get the goods? She looked at us in the eye and said, "Yes." Her therapist sat with us and in the end it was decided that it was now time to let go. The following day we contacted DCYF and signed over a voluntary reliquishment. Several months later we terminated our parental rights...and on April 7th 2009 were were one less child. A failed adoption.

We have not had any contact with her since that dreadful day in court. She was there (against the judges recommendations) but because our daughter wanted to make one final attempt at drama. She told the judge that she wanted to come home and that we were the best parents she ever had and that she knew we would be able to keep her safe. It broke my heart but after the last 2 years I knew she was attempting to manipulate again. She always wanted what she couldn't have. During her time with us she was labeled severe RAD, ODD, PTSD, with borderline personality disorder.

I have often thought about her and my heart breaks for her. We only wanted to give her a life that she deserved and instead we got caught up in a whirlwind of outside therapists and counselors. If I had to do it all over again, I would NEVER have sought out any one of them because I think if she had to simply talk to us, rather than having so many others to manipulate we may have been able to make it.

May God be with you sweet girl. I hope you find happiness and that someday you'll realize how much we loved you.

Armani's Story

Wow...almost a year had passed since we finalized Priscilla's adoption. Once again...we soon heard from the Lund Family Center. I was out at the pool relaxing with my two most favorite girls when my husband came out. He made idle chat for a bit and then he said, "Wanda Audette just called." He apprehensively said, "She wanted to know if we would be interested in an infant." Not truly believing him...I said, "Right...don't play like that, you know it's not nice." He said, "I'm not! She wants us to call her back with the details." Still not quite sure if this was a joke or not I said, "Okay...well what did she say?" He told me some sketchy details (but enough so I knew he couldn't have made it up) and said she wants to know if we are interested and to call her back. I immediately said, "Well YEAH!!! Lets call her back!" He said, "Are you sure...it's a baby that isn't even born yet." I told him that if a child needed us it didn't matter. Thus...the roller coaster ride of a life time was set in motion.

We returned Wanda's call and she told us that an agency in New Jersey had called her to see if she could help place a baby who had a pre-natal diagnosis of Dandy Walker Syndrome. Apparently they had, had no luck in finding anyone willing to accept this baby. For those who don't know, Dandy Walker is a disease that profoundly affects a baby physical and mental development. It typically affects girls, and all have hydrocephalus and severe to profound mental retardation with disfigurements as well as gross motor issues. We had no doubts about accepting this baby and knew that if this baby was meant to be ours than he/she would soon be home. We learned that the birth mom had 5 other children. Birth father was in jail. The birth mother made an adoption plan with his support and all were in agreement that this would be in the baby's best interest.

We had gotten the call about this baby in early July. We kept in close contact with our agency but during the next month the New Jersey agency (Golden Cradle Adoption Agency in Cherry Hill, NJ) had become distant. We knew the baby wasn't due until August 23 but we had hoped to have heard one way or another if we would be chosen as the family. We bought some baby things...a new crib, some clothes, diapers and necessities to be ready. All the while our agency had no news. They made several attempts to contact Golden Cradle no return calls were made. My mind raced thinking of all the what ifs. Finally on August 17th we got a call from Wanda. She said had spoken to the agency and learned that the baby, a boy, had been born on August 12th through a C-section and after a couple days had checked out of the hospital with the birth mother. We were told that the child had no visible signs of Dandy Walker and met all the criteria to go home with the exception of needing a monitor to check his heart/restorations. I had such mixed emotions about that call. I was both happy that the baby was with his birth mother but sad for myself. We had been led to believe that the baby would be ours and I felt the likelihood of this baby now coming to us was very slim. I grieved for a baby that wasn't even mine and just felt so sad. We had plans to take a vacation in Maine (a yearly tradition that we worked hard for) and so we left VT to enjoy the beaches although my heart was heavy.

We arrived in Maine on August 18th. We unloaded, unpacked and settled in. I can't say that my heart was in it. I was so irritable and I knew it wasn't fair to anyone. Disappointment consumed me. I was much like a child. I sulked, I snapped at everyone and nothing made me happy. I was just very upset. Dennis being the typical male had already moved on emotionally and I guess I should have too, but I couldn't. We were in Maine just two days of our 10 day vacation when we got a call again from Wanda. She said the agency in New Jersey wanted us to drive down to Cherry Hill. Apparently the birth mother wanted to meet us. There were no guarentee's that the mother would want the baby to come to us, but we decided to put it in God's hands. We spent the next few hours on the phone clearing up how it would be handled and then we closed up our motorhome and hit the highway. We told the campground what was going on and that we may or may not be back. They said if our spot was left vacant for more than 24 hours they would re-rent it out. So with no offer of a refund and knowing full well that there we no guarentees that we would have a baby...we packed up. We stopped by Vermont to pick up my mother who had agreed to watch the other children while we did what we had to. We got permission to park our 40' motorhome overnight in the agency parking lot since there hadn't been enough time to find a campground near and we had to meet the placement worker at 9:30 the next AM. We drove through the night and finally made it to the Golden Cradle parking lot around 1:00 AM on the 21st. We were surprised by a gentleman who knocked on our door at 6:30 AM, who worked at the agency. He had been informed as to who we were and wanted to be sure that we had everything we needed and directed us to stores/coffee shops in the area.

I was a wreck that AM. I don't think I slept more than 10 minutes at a time throughout the night. From the time I was up for the day (which was around 4:00 AM) I kept my eyes glued on all the people coming and going hoping to catch a glimpse of the birth mother whom we would meet. People came and went and soon the parking lot was full. Everyone pointed and stared at our motor home and I will admit...it probably WAS quite an odd sight.

At 9:20, Dennis and I entered the building. Both of us were a bit shabby looking and wasn't sure how our appearance would be taken. We met with a lady by the name of Anne Watson who explained the process. We were told that once we met with the birth mother and she signed over her rights, she would have 48 hours to withdraw if she was going to decide to keep the baby. This would mean that we had to endure more wait and worry. She instructed us to ask questions about her as well as the baby to show a genuine interest and said to mostly...just be ourselves.

During out time speaking with Anne, the birth mother, who's name is Alyssa met with a counselor which was provided by the agency. Apparently this same counselor had been with Alyssa since the adoption plan was made. Soon it was time to bring us together. We entered a bright room where Alyssa and her counselor had been meeting. The birth mother was a pretty girl with long brown hair. She appeared as nervous as us (wringing her hands and clutching a small picture in her hands.) Her counselor sat close with a hand on Alyssa's arm. She began the meeting introducing herself and then introducing Alyssa. I introduced myself and my husband followed suit. The air was so thick in the room, you could cut the tension, nerves and apprehension that we all exhibited. The counselor began to ask Dennis and I about ourselves and what we did for work and about our other children. It did not take long once we began to talk to feel very comfortable and it felt like Alyssa too relaxed. She spoke openly about her other children and how she wanted so much more for the baby who we learned was named Armani. We learned she was a hard worker who worked as an CNS in a nursing home. Shortly after she learned she was pregnant, she went to live with her mother who helped care for the children while she worked. Alyssa told us that she had her tubes tied but somehow became pregnant. As we talked...we all became relaxed. We shared some laughs which was odd considering the reason we were all there and the seriousness of what was happening. We soon learned that Alyssa had not wanted to bring the baby home but after it was discovered that Armani did not have Dandy Walker the agency wanted to re-evaluate whether or not Alyssa wanted to continue with the adoption plan. When she did...they then wanted to look at other families who passed on him when they felt he would be too physcially and mentally impaired. Alyssa said she told the agency she had not wanted to interview other families. She said, "I knew you were the people I wanted for my baby. I told them, if you were willing to take him thinking he would be so sick, then I wanted you to have him now that he isn't." We learned a lot about this baby. He was healthy with the exception of a Mega Cysterna Magna which is a tumor in the 4th ventricle of the brain, however would have NO impact on him. We learned that Alyssa had wanted to name him Dominic but that others convinced her that he needed a name that was more like his siblings. She also requested that we keep Armani as his name. Although I was not overly fond of it in the beginning, now I can't imagine him being anything BUT an Armani. With that 2 hour long meeting ended and Alyssa stood to walk out. I asked her for a hug and told her that I wanted her to make the best choice for her baby, but I would be so honored to be given the opportunity to love and care for her baby. She then reached to me...and we clung to each other and it was then she showed me the picture of Armani. She told me that she took it that day before she came but wasn't sure she wanted to share it. My mouth dropped open. He was the most perfect baby I'd ever seen and those little dark eyes burned a hole in my heart. I didn't know how I could possibly leave New Jersey without this baby but I also didn't know how I could take this precious boy away from a mother who was obviously making a life changing decision that she may regret. I was happy for us and sad for her. I knew she loved this baby...there was never a doubt about it. I thanked her and told her again, how much I respected that this was a very difficult decision to make. She walked out with her worker and the worked told Anne that they would be in touch. Apparently this worker was spending the night with Alyssa and her family and as soon as her final decision was made she would call Anne. However, until the baby was placed in the custody of this agency, the birth mother could change her mind.

We left the building and made arrangements at a campground. The wait was just as unbearable that night. There were still no guarentees that we would leave New Jersey with a baby or if we would return to VT empty handed. I don't think I've ever done so much praying. I prayed for the birth mother, I prayed for the birth father, I prayed for the siblings and all the people inbetween. It was 11:02 when the call came to come to the agency. They told us that Alyssa and the worker were on the way to the agency. They gave no other details. They said they would call us again to let us know what was happening. At 1:15 we got the call to come to the agency. Dennis and I packed back up the motorhome with our family and headed back to the agency. When we arrived they had us wait in an empty room. We then met Anne who told us that Alyssa had signed over the baby to the agency. We signed several forms and made the commitment to send pictures and letters throughout his first year of life with a verbal commitment to Alyssa that would would send at least one a year until he was 18.

It was finally time to meet our son. Anne went to a neighboring room and wheeled in this TINY little bundle. He was sound asleep and I was almost afraid to touch him. I asked if I could pick him up, as if I actually needed permission. Oh...he was so soft and smelled so good. It was then I totally broke down and lost all composure. All the tension...all the worry...all the stress...just flooded out of me. Anne left us all alone for a few minutes and then told us we were free to leave with the baby. I handed Armani to "daddy" and we proudly walked to the motor home to introduce our son, to his family.

The first thing we did was bring him to the bedroom and uncover him from head to toe. He still had his embilicord still attached. The girls and my youngest biological son all counted his toes and took turns holding him and then my mother got her turn.

Today our son is a happy, healthy 4 year old. He has been such an absolute blessing to us. Armani will begin full time kindergarten the end of August. He knows he has a tummy mommy...but for now has not asked any questions about his birth family. He knows he was adopted and when he is ready we will share the rest of what we know.

Priscilla's Story

Priscilla's Story



Just before we finalized Lindsay's adoption we received yet another call from the Lund Adoption Center. This call was in regards to a little girl who was not legally free, but who the agency thought would be a perfect match for us. We had not even considered adopting more than one child, but when we heard her story...we felt drawn to bring her into our family.



Priscilla's story begins far away in Santa Cruz, Boliva. She was born to a young mother and teenage father. She was born with the name Karina Flores on July 16, 1998. We had been told that Priscilla was born with the CMV virus which causes significant mental/physical disabilities. Shortly after birth the birth mother took her to an orphanage and she lived there until she was 18 months old. Priscilla is one of the lucky children. Most children in Bolivia are abandoned on streets and are hoped to be picked up by another more financially secure family, or sadly...left to die.



Priscilla was adopted into the US by a Vermont family. She was one of the LAST children to be adopted out of Bolivia before the country stopped adoptions with the United States. Priscilla was 18 months old and it was reported that it was feared that she would not live. She was limp and lethargic and had no muscle tone. She did not smile, cry or respond in any normal way. The US family brought her home to VT as they also did with 20 other children they adopted internationally. She was then placed in the arms of an older adopted sibling, Olivia. Olivia who was just 15, was given the responsibility to raise, teach and nurture this baby as her own. The adoptive parents were there for financial resources only. Olivia herself was adopted from China and was completely deaf. As a matter of fact almost all the children in the home were deaf or had some other form of disability. The primary means of communication in the home was ASL. It was determined that Priscilla herself was hearing impaired as well as being legally blind, had CP and was developmentally delayed.



Priscilla lived with this family on a horse ranch in Jericho, VT. The house was HUGE and was over 10,000 square foot however the children had access to only a large playroom (with inside playground.) It was here that all the children stayed unless it was time to eat or go to bed. The house was grand and it appeared that these children had anything they could possibly need, but did not have the Mother and Father figure they all desperately craved. The children were clean and well groomed and from the outside looking in it appeared that all the children were happy, well cared for and loved.

DCYF was called to the home in early October of 2003. A small child with a trach died in the home. The cause was asphixiation. The young child who was 3 had pulled out her trach during the night and the older sibling who cared for her was deaf and did not hear her struggling for air. An investigation as done and through that investigation is was discovered that this home was not as it appeared. All the children from the oldest down to about 9 were sexually abused by the adoptive father. That left just the 7 "babies" as they were known to have miraculously escaped. Many of the younger ones could not be interviewed since they had no language but it ws thought at the very least, they had witnessed things but had not been groomed and sexually assaulted.

Priscilla was 5 years old when I first met her at her home in Jericho. She was such a happy child! She could not talk except to count 1-2-3 and had a few other words such as "ut oh" "bubble" "my turn." She spoke VERY little and could not walk for more than a few feet before dropping to her knees. She was not toilet trained nor did she give any indication that she had to use the bathroom. She was SO cute...with long black hair that was neatly braided. She wore her beautiful little dress of the Mennonite attire with black stocking and black moccasin type shoes. The house despite having 21 children was very quiet. I was told that my husband could not come with me and only I was able to visit Priscilla (a name given to her by her adoptive mother.) The adoptive mother and father left the home and allowed DCYF to come in and take it over with hired staff until all the children could be safely placed. I had to go through an intense screening before I entered the main gates to the property. When it was determnined the reason for my visit I was allowed to go inside. I was immediately greeted by one of the many children running about the house. She was a little girl of Asian decent and she clung to me as if I were a life line. I was then directed to the person from DCYF who was in charge who in turn asked me if I was open to a "black child." I thought this to be an odd question and was almost disgusted by it. Priscilla is not exactly "black" but does have dark skin. She is of an Indian decent. I was pointed out to the tiny little girl who was to come home with me the next day and was immediately drawn to her. She was very affectionate. We played together for a long time and she stopped short and just burst into tears. I felt a lot of eyes on me at that point but I was very focused on this little girl. What made her so sad? How was I going to teach her to tell me things? I knew some sign language but she knew less than me and she was legally blind, so how would she see what I was trying to say? So many questions...left to answer.

I went home that evening reeling with excitement and worry. I called my husband to let him know what I had been doing and how it went. I explained my worries and he in turn thought that just like with Lindsay, this child needed us. We had one child at home who was so behaviorally challenging that I had no idea how we could possibly add this needy child to our family and give her the amount of time and attention she needed. What could we do that another family couldn't? That would soon be understood.

The next day I arrived in Jericho at the home at 8:30 in the AM. I was greeted by the sister who had loved/cared for Priscilla for the last 3 years. Through an interpreter, I was told all her favorite things and that she hoped that Priscilla would be loved. That just broke my heart. Priscilla was the first child to leave the home and although it was explained to the children what was happening it was still hard for some to understand. They all came from other countries and had counted on this family to be there for them and now it was dissolving quickly. Some of the children asked through an interpreter if I would please take care of their little sister. All of them had the opportunity to ask me questions and give Priscilla a hug before Olivia helped me load her into the car. I hugged Olivia and explicitly told her through her interpreter that I promised to love and take good care of her. It was very emotional.

Priscilla sat quietly for most of the 2 hour ride home. I had some kid songs playing which she seemed to enjoy however I didn't know how much she could hear. We were about to find out just what has been bottled up in this little girl.

We were in litigation for about a year and a half before Priscilla legally became our daughter. During that time she learned to walk, talk enough to be understood, and was toilet trained. She was attending public school full time for the first time in her life and was learning new things every day! Vocabulary was the biggest explosion. Our once quiet subdued little girl was now laughing, talking and able to ask for things she wanted. It was GREAT to see her come out of her shell. She wanted to do and try everything and then came the words, "I do it by myself!" We quickly learned she was a go getter! Nothing is going to stop this gal!

Today Priscilla is a wonderful sensitive, fun loving little girl who is polite and anxious to try new things. She just turned 12 and has come SO far in her 7 years with us. She can talk well enough to be understood by everyone, attends a main streamed classroom (with modifications for her visual and hearing impairments) and is loved by all who meet her. Her greatest passion in life is music. She plays a keyboard and knows about 100 songs that she plunks out by sound one finger at a time and recently got a violin. She safely walks the two blocks to her school from our home using a mobility cane and wants so much to be like other children her age. She still has cognitive delays which put her well below her peers, but this has not stopped her in finding a way to be like them and learn. It was said that Priscilla's abilities are reflective of the years with us. It was like at age 5 she was born. She functions at a 7 year old level in most area's but has splinter skills which are age appropriate. She is now learning braille and doing a fabulous job!!! No one would have ever guessed that the baby who was on deaths door coming to the USA is the same little girl who is now my daughter. God is certainly shining on her today!

Lindsay's Story

Lindsay's Story

It was shortly after my husband and I were married that we began to talk about wanting to add to our family. Dennis, my husband, had one son who was adopted as an infant and I had 3 sons from a previous marriage. My heart has always wanted to adopt and since we only had sons it was only natural think about adopting a girl. I thought it would be well out of our reach financially but I took a deep breath and made a call to the Lund Adoption Center in Burlington, VT. I was directed to someone who explained the process of adopting from the foster care system and it was then, that our lives changed.

We were not choosy new parents. We would have gladly taken a child with disabilities as long as we had a little girl to love. It took us approximately 6 months to complete our homestudy and within 2 weeks of completion we received our first call. A gentleman by the name of Graham Kidder called to provide us the non-identifying information on a 7 year old girl whom they were looking to find a permanent home. Her name...Lindsay Katelyn-Julie Reed and she was born on February 8, 1996.

We learned that Lindsay had been in foster care for almost 2 years. She had been initially placed with her biological sister but after 18 months it was determined that this was not a good situation for either. You see...the birth family of Lindsay and her siblings was allegedly the ultimate in disfunction and with that, Lindsay's view of the world and how to react to things had been profoundly tainted. Lindsay was described to us as an engaging child. She loved to direct others and be in control. She was reportedly determined to leave the residential placement she was in and wanted a family. She had been in 5 placements including 2 residential treatment places. She had toileting issues, food issues and severe, emotional/behavioral issues. She was hyper-vigilant and fearful of bugs, being locked outside, being in confined area's and most of all...men. She feared men. Lindsay had the alphabet of diagnosis's...RAD, ODD, ED, PTSD, ADHD. She would disregulate easily and demonstrated anger that was unimaginable for a 7 year old. Rages that would include hitting, kicking, biting, stripping her clothing, swearing, and using weapons to attack like knives were amoung her issues. As I wrote down all the information the Case Worker was telling me...I was hesitant to even talk to my husband about her. I wondered if we had it in us to make a difference or if we could offer her what she required. I was an experienced mother but nothing could have taught me everything I needed to know about this child. Eventually we did talk about and agreed to meet her.

A few weeks after our initial call, we had set up a meeting to meet Lindsay at the residiential school she was attending. We learned then that a single lady had been chosen as her family, but at the last minute, backed out. The residential could only hold a child for 90 days and after that point, DCYF needed to find a foster or other permanent home so they were on borrowed time to find her a placement. This made me nervous...why would someone back out on a 7 year old child? What was it about her that made her so scary?

My husband and I walked into the building which was an old run down place on Greene St in Brattleboro, VT. Upon entering the building we heard kids in a school type setting, with one child screaming to the top of their lungs somewhere deeper in the building. We quickly scanned the room trying to figure out which child it was they were attempting to match us with, but we were quickly brought to an office to speak with the in house therapist, Leigh. Leigh explained that Lindsay had no idea we were there to see her and that was to protect all of us in the event that we backed out. She told us the issues they had in the residential setting and at school. It appeared that Lindsay was QUITE angry and often attacked other kids when she felt threatened of put down, yet was very determined to fit in and did her best. We then learned that the screaming child we had heard ...was none other than Lindsay. We were taken downstairs once she was calm. We saw a rather disshelved little girl wearing a stained purple t-shirt and bib overall pants. She didn't have shoes on despite it being April and not very warm out and we later learned that none of the kids were allowed to wear them in the building and that they had "community shoes." None were owned by a particular child. It was much like a prison/safe house. Everything had to meet a certain criteria to be allowed...so no shoes with laces not tops with strings and everything and I mean EVERYTHING was guarded. Toys/books had to be checked in and out etc... We spent that better part of 2 hours with Lindsay and the other children. She read us a book and we learned that she was an excellent reader! Lunch time was "interesteing." She dug in with both hands and had to be reminded to use her napkin. She had no table manners at all and was VERY messy. Another little boy was leaving to go to his new family and Lindsay became very upset. She demanded that someone come and take her out of "this God forsaken place." We left this meeting with many mixed emotions. Our hearts went out to Lindsay but we were afraid, very afraid that the trauma she had endured would be too great for us to handle. We waited another few weeks and then made the decision that we wanted to see her again. This time we were allowed to take her out and without all the other distraction we began to see tiny glimpses of a frightened little girl who just needed someone to believe in her. She called us Mom and Dad from this day on. It was then we made the commitment to bring her home. Afterall...she had chosen us and we could not let her down as all the others before. We did a transition with her but prior to her move we met with her Social Worker, Sue Luhutko. We were give more gory details of Lindsay's past. She had been profoundly abused and neglected. Reports from other Social Workers indicated that the kids had either witnessed or experienced severe physcial and emotional trauma. Lindsay was reported to have been locked in her room without food, clothing, or bedding for days on end. It was reported that she told a Social Worker that she was tied to a tree and had bugs duct taped in her mouth. Lindsay was also determnined to have high levels of lead in her system from chewing on lead paint and this made it very difficult to control her rages. When she was 2 it was thought that she was autistic because she could not speak and later it was determined that her private world was created to shut out the deep hurt within herself. She was reportedly made to perform, witness, or in some way engage in sexual acts for her birth mother, step-father and siblings. When she cried, the step father would laugh a hideous laugh that we soon heard repeated when Lindsay dissociated.



Lindsay transitioned into our home on her own schedule, just as she does with so many things even today. She fought terribly when we had to return her to the facility and begged us to stay and not go. On one particular trip we had given her some markers and books for her to have for her "personal box" at the facility. The staff immediately confiscated them. Lindsay became VERY upset telling the staff that her Mom and Dad got them for her. I knelt down and asked Lindsay if she wanted me to bring them home so she could have them on the next visit and she agreed...giving me a huge hug. After a few trips and several time-outs for extended periods of time once back at the facility, it was decided that she was ready and could come home. She became such a handful to them that they were anxious to send her on her way. On May 29th 2003 we picked up our daughter and it's here our journey really begins.

Lindsay spent the first few months adjusting to a healthy family life. New rules, new clothes, new room, new parents, and new siblings. She did not give us too much trouble, but once she became more comfortable and felt safe, THAT was when we saw behaviors begin. No one mentioned dissociation and we had NO idea what that was until one day when she became angry. She had been to her room and had changed her clothing several times. I had told her that the clothes were hers, but that she could not change them every few minutes. She grabbed my arms and in a voice I'd never heard, she said, "Let go...they are MINE you f---- jerk!" I was quite surprised and let go. She began to cackle in a hideous laugh and said, "That right you f--- little idiot." Her eyes were glassy looking and although she looked right at me, I just got this sense that she was not talking to me. I said, "Lindsay...it's Mom, who are you talking to?" She said, "You you f--- jerk...who else?" I could see this was not getting anywhere so I reached out to take the clothing again. She immediately cringed and shimmied herself back to a corner of the room in a tight ball and began to repeat over and over...."go away...leave me alone...don't hurt me....don't hurt me...don't hurt me....." I stood frozen, just staring at this child, so much wanting to reach out to her, but frozen in my spot. What had she endured at the hands of those who were suppose to love and protect her. I could only imagine. I allowed her to calm and then brought her to me...reassuring her I would NEVER hurt her. This was only the beginning of many MANY more incidences with glimpses of the trauma she endured.

The next few years were incredibly hard but not once did we waver in our desire to parent our precious little girl. Dissociations could happen at any time. Once when we were at a restaurant we saw our well mannered girl turn into a raging wild animal because she saw someone who reminded her of her of her step-father, who allegedly sexually abused her. We were given stares and rude comments about "teaching our child manners" or blame as if we were the cause of her issues. Most of the time I was so focused on Lindsay that they didn't bother me, but some times I heard them say, "she needs a good slap across the face." My eyes would tear up...because if they only knew....if they only knew....


You would think that this child would not have the ability to function in the world...because her views have been so badly distorted, but I'm here to tell you that she not only functions well...but is a beautiful, bright and loving young lady. The two years at school she had a 1:1 aide and spent much of her time in basketholds in the office. She was behind academically and required an IEP. We had an attachment therapist but it seemed like this was not what she needed. Lindsay attached to us just fine, but she was so angry and grieving over the loss of her family. The second year was even worse. The language was worse...the behaviors were so difficult we sought out additional counseling from a grief therapist. This combined with constant reassurance that she was safe and we loved her brought her to an understanding that she has worth and that we would NEVER turn our backs on her. Many MANY times I would spend cradling and rocking her (well beyond the age you would expect to need this) telling her how much I loved her and no matter what...she is my forever daughter. Melts downs were plentiful and long for the first few years but somehow by the grace of God, we made it. By the time she reached the 4th grade a wonderful teacher by the name of Tara Briggs took Lindsay under her wing and really taught her how to fly. She no longer needed a 1:1 aide and her behaviors began to subside and were manageable. Kids were no longer fearful of her and she began to make friends and was accepted by her peers.

It's been a long and trying road...but yes, we are finally getting there. Our lovely daughter will be entering high school this coming school year. She is naturally nervous and afriad but is excited and ready. Gone are the days of physcial retraints for safety. Gone are the days of dissociations and profanity. We still occasionally have issues and she will have melt downs, but they only last minutes and not hours and hours. I love this girl as much as she were born to me...and I just know she will go on to do great things for others.