Lindsay's Story

Lindsay's Story

It was shortly after my husband and I were married that we began to talk about wanting to add to our family. Dennis, my husband, had one son who was adopted as an infant and I had 3 sons from a previous marriage. My heart has always wanted to adopt and since we only had sons it was only natural think about adopting a girl. I thought it would be well out of our reach financially but I took a deep breath and made a call to the Lund Adoption Center in Burlington, VT. I was directed to someone who explained the process of adopting from the foster care system and it was then, that our lives changed.

We were not choosy new parents. We would have gladly taken a child with disabilities as long as we had a little girl to love. It took us approximately 6 months to complete our homestudy and within 2 weeks of completion we received our first call. A gentleman by the name of Graham Kidder called to provide us the non-identifying information on a 7 year old girl whom they were looking to find a permanent home. Her name...Lindsay Katelyn-Julie Reed and she was born on February 8, 1996.

We learned that Lindsay had been in foster care for almost 2 years. She had been initially placed with her biological sister but after 18 months it was determined that this was not a good situation for either. You see...the birth family of Lindsay and her siblings was allegedly the ultimate in disfunction and with that, Lindsay's view of the world and how to react to things had been profoundly tainted. Lindsay was described to us as an engaging child. She loved to direct others and be in control. She was reportedly determined to leave the residential placement she was in and wanted a family. She had been in 5 placements including 2 residential treatment places. She had toileting issues, food issues and severe, emotional/behavioral issues. She was hyper-vigilant and fearful of bugs, being locked outside, being in confined area's and most of all...men. She feared men. Lindsay had the alphabet of diagnosis's...RAD, ODD, ED, PTSD, ADHD. She would disregulate easily and demonstrated anger that was unimaginable for a 7 year old. Rages that would include hitting, kicking, biting, stripping her clothing, swearing, and using weapons to attack like knives were amoung her issues. As I wrote down all the information the Case Worker was telling me...I was hesitant to even talk to my husband about her. I wondered if we had it in us to make a difference or if we could offer her what she required. I was an experienced mother but nothing could have taught me everything I needed to know about this child. Eventually we did talk about and agreed to meet her.

A few weeks after our initial call, we had set up a meeting to meet Lindsay at the residiential school she was attending. We learned then that a single lady had been chosen as her family, but at the last minute, backed out. The residential could only hold a child for 90 days and after that point, DCYF needed to find a foster or other permanent home so they were on borrowed time to find her a placement. This made me nervous...why would someone back out on a 7 year old child? What was it about her that made her so scary?

My husband and I walked into the building which was an old run down place on Greene St in Brattleboro, VT. Upon entering the building we heard kids in a school type setting, with one child screaming to the top of their lungs somewhere deeper in the building. We quickly scanned the room trying to figure out which child it was they were attempting to match us with, but we were quickly brought to an office to speak with the in house therapist, Leigh. Leigh explained that Lindsay had no idea we were there to see her and that was to protect all of us in the event that we backed out. She told us the issues they had in the residential setting and at school. It appeared that Lindsay was QUITE angry and often attacked other kids when she felt threatened of put down, yet was very determined to fit in and did her best. We then learned that the screaming child we had heard ...was none other than Lindsay. We were taken downstairs once she was calm. We saw a rather disshelved little girl wearing a stained purple t-shirt and bib overall pants. She didn't have shoes on despite it being April and not very warm out and we later learned that none of the kids were allowed to wear them in the building and that they had "community shoes." None were owned by a particular child. It was much like a prison/safe house. Everything had to meet a certain criteria to be allowed...so no shoes with laces not tops with strings and everything and I mean EVERYTHING was guarded. Toys/books had to be checked in and out etc... We spent that better part of 2 hours with Lindsay and the other children. She read us a book and we learned that she was an excellent reader! Lunch time was "interesteing." She dug in with both hands and had to be reminded to use her napkin. She had no table manners at all and was VERY messy. Another little boy was leaving to go to his new family and Lindsay became very upset. She demanded that someone come and take her out of "this God forsaken place." We left this meeting with many mixed emotions. Our hearts went out to Lindsay but we were afraid, very afraid that the trauma she had endured would be too great for us to handle. We waited another few weeks and then made the decision that we wanted to see her again. This time we were allowed to take her out and without all the other distraction we began to see tiny glimpses of a frightened little girl who just needed someone to believe in her. She called us Mom and Dad from this day on. It was then we made the commitment to bring her home. Afterall...she had chosen us and we could not let her down as all the others before. We did a transition with her but prior to her move we met with her Social Worker, Sue Luhutko. We were give more gory details of Lindsay's past. She had been profoundly abused and neglected. Reports from other Social Workers indicated that the kids had either witnessed or experienced severe physcial and emotional trauma. Lindsay was reported to have been locked in her room without food, clothing, or bedding for days on end. It was reported that she told a Social Worker that she was tied to a tree and had bugs duct taped in her mouth. Lindsay was also determnined to have high levels of lead in her system from chewing on lead paint and this made it very difficult to control her rages. When she was 2 it was thought that she was autistic because she could not speak and later it was determined that her private world was created to shut out the deep hurt within herself. She was reportedly made to perform, witness, or in some way engage in sexual acts for her birth mother, step-father and siblings. When she cried, the step father would laugh a hideous laugh that we soon heard repeated when Lindsay dissociated.



Lindsay transitioned into our home on her own schedule, just as she does with so many things even today. She fought terribly when we had to return her to the facility and begged us to stay and not go. On one particular trip we had given her some markers and books for her to have for her "personal box" at the facility. The staff immediately confiscated them. Lindsay became VERY upset telling the staff that her Mom and Dad got them for her. I knelt down and asked Lindsay if she wanted me to bring them home so she could have them on the next visit and she agreed...giving me a huge hug. After a few trips and several time-outs for extended periods of time once back at the facility, it was decided that she was ready and could come home. She became such a handful to them that they were anxious to send her on her way. On May 29th 2003 we picked up our daughter and it's here our journey really begins.

Lindsay spent the first few months adjusting to a healthy family life. New rules, new clothes, new room, new parents, and new siblings. She did not give us too much trouble, but once she became more comfortable and felt safe, THAT was when we saw behaviors begin. No one mentioned dissociation and we had NO idea what that was until one day when she became angry. She had been to her room and had changed her clothing several times. I had told her that the clothes were hers, but that she could not change them every few minutes. She grabbed my arms and in a voice I'd never heard, she said, "Let go...they are MINE you f---- jerk!" I was quite surprised and let go. She began to cackle in a hideous laugh and said, "That right you f--- little idiot." Her eyes were glassy looking and although she looked right at me, I just got this sense that she was not talking to me. I said, "Lindsay...it's Mom, who are you talking to?" She said, "You you f--- jerk...who else?" I could see this was not getting anywhere so I reached out to take the clothing again. She immediately cringed and shimmied herself back to a corner of the room in a tight ball and began to repeat over and over...."go away...leave me alone...don't hurt me....don't hurt me...don't hurt me....." I stood frozen, just staring at this child, so much wanting to reach out to her, but frozen in my spot. What had she endured at the hands of those who were suppose to love and protect her. I could only imagine. I allowed her to calm and then brought her to me...reassuring her I would NEVER hurt her. This was only the beginning of many MANY more incidences with glimpses of the trauma she endured.

The next few years were incredibly hard but not once did we waver in our desire to parent our precious little girl. Dissociations could happen at any time. Once when we were at a restaurant we saw our well mannered girl turn into a raging wild animal because she saw someone who reminded her of her of her step-father, who allegedly sexually abused her. We were given stares and rude comments about "teaching our child manners" or blame as if we were the cause of her issues. Most of the time I was so focused on Lindsay that they didn't bother me, but some times I heard them say, "she needs a good slap across the face." My eyes would tear up...because if they only knew....if they only knew....


You would think that this child would not have the ability to function in the world...because her views have been so badly distorted, but I'm here to tell you that she not only functions well...but is a beautiful, bright and loving young lady. The two years at school she had a 1:1 aide and spent much of her time in basketholds in the office. She was behind academically and required an IEP. We had an attachment therapist but it seemed like this was not what she needed. Lindsay attached to us just fine, but she was so angry and grieving over the loss of her family. The second year was even worse. The language was worse...the behaviors were so difficult we sought out additional counseling from a grief therapist. This combined with constant reassurance that she was safe and we loved her brought her to an understanding that she has worth and that we would NEVER turn our backs on her. Many MANY times I would spend cradling and rocking her (well beyond the age you would expect to need this) telling her how much I loved her and no matter what...she is my forever daughter. Melts downs were plentiful and long for the first few years but somehow by the grace of God, we made it. By the time she reached the 4th grade a wonderful teacher by the name of Tara Briggs took Lindsay under her wing and really taught her how to fly. She no longer needed a 1:1 aide and her behaviors began to subside and were manageable. Kids were no longer fearful of her and she began to make friends and was accepted by her peers.

It's been a long and trying road...but yes, we are finally getting there. Our lovely daughter will be entering high school this coming school year. She is naturally nervous and afriad but is excited and ready. Gone are the days of physcial retraints for safety. Gone are the days of dissociations and profanity. We still occasionally have issues and she will have melt downs, but they only last minutes and not hours and hours. I love this girl as much as she were born to me...and I just know she will go on to do great things for others.